i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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