he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
