I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
