if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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