last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
