the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Rumble strips road head = magical
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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