Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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