I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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