Apparently you make a good broom.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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