I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
