apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
