I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
