I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My life is pants optional.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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