Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
