you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
