I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
