The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I fill condoms, not promises.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
