Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Every concussion has its silver lining
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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