I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
