well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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