Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
