We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Randomize
