We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
