Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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