Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
its liver damage thursday
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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