My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
