I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
