God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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