Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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