I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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