Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
