We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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