So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
