the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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