It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
