Yo dont text me then not text me
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
