He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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