i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
