Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
