Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
