Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
