Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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