I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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