if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
