You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
