New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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