im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
