I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
