i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
