I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
