That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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