Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
