Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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