I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
